Names names names

Example text(click:"Example text")[ is fun]

[[Begin.]]

(t8n: "dissolve")[Most people don't really understand why someone would ever get a name change. It's such a significant change in life that it's unimaginable to many. And yet, I am one of those people who wants one.] (click:"wants one")[Allow me to [[explain]].]

Names are important. They're something you carry with you your entire life, and usually with that is a certain impression you may gain from it. A name that sounds simple, pretty, elegant, traditional - all of those have their own value and add to your flavor as a person. (click:"as a person")[So it can be a [[bit of a problem]] if you don't feel that way about your name.]

In elementary school, I had already grown accostomed to this. I was very used to being called my name, but not really in a good way. (click:"in a good way")[For me, it was just a word. A phrase I'd be labeled with arbitrarily. An okay one, mind you. I didn't think it was ugly or anything. But it didn't say anything about me, specifially.] (click:"about me")[I mean, it's just sounds, after all. I'm sure a thousand other people are labeled just the same as me. My name was a glorified [[title]].]

Years later, one of my (many) therapists was shocked to hear me state this. She said she didn't know how I had survived so long when I saw my name as only a title. [[Flash forward to high school.]]

I roleplay with a friend of mine and am the self-appointed/forced DM in this situation. I play pretty much every NPC unless the other person wants to play one, and almost all of these scenarios include counterparts that share our names and personalities. In this instance, I have one character referring to me by name. I begin to type. And then it happens. (click:"And then it happens.")[Like lightning striking, I stop and stare at the screen. I've just typed my name. This isn't the first time I've done so in the day, as I print it out mindlessly on my assignments constantly - but only then, in having a character refer to me by it, does it [[hit me]].]

A strange, (text-style: "blur")[sinking] feeling. Like I've just been (text-rotate:5)[struck] by something. But it doesn't hurt. (click:"But it doesn't hurt.")[It's like when you go to the dentist's office and they numb up your mouth. There's no pain, but you can still feel the tools digging in.] (click:"digging in.")[Trauma is like that. After you've experienced it so many times, day by day, year by year, it doesn't even hurt you anymore. But there's still always that feeling of something squirming inside of you that you can't ignore for [[just a moment]].]

And it was that moment of quiet, nigh indescribable (text-style: "expand")[dissociation] that changed everything in my mind. "Oh."(clickreplace:"Oh.")[That's.. my name.] (click:"my name.")[For the first time, I grasped something I had been missing all those years. A name wasn't just a title. It was you.](click:"you.")[ But it was wrong. That name wasn't me at all - who the hell was that, sitting on the screen? It was a person everyone saw me as, but it didn't make sense. There was a [[disconnect]].]

[[It was then that I realized something had to change.]]

A few months later. I'm still DMing our roleplays, and it's basically my job to occasionally come up with new scenarios when one tires out. So, here's a neat idea. What about an alternate universe? (click:"What about an alternate universe?")[Only minor supernatural elements, if anything. Just a nice what-if scenario where we have different names and appearences, rather than the usual fare with excessive magic or technology.] (click:"different names")[I swear to god this wasn't what I had in mind when I came up with the idea - at least consciously. Subconsciously, where that experience from a few months back was still rolling around in my head? [[Almost definitely]].]

I square away our alternate appearences pretty fast, but now it's time for the names. I've always been pretty bad with them, so I usually rely on baby naming sites. (click:"baby naming sites.")[This time, though, things go a bit different. For the first time I wonder to myself: "If you could have any sort of name, what would you have?" At this point the thought about disatisfaction with my own name has definitely crossed my mind, and I have this idea forming about using the roleplay as something of a [[test run]]. Then something even [[weirder]] happens.]

If I don't like being referred to by the name I've chosen, I've essentially risked nothing on a temporary roleplaying exercise, and I can keep doing various alternate scenarios within this framework until I find one I like. If I *do* like it, however, I have a good foundation for knowing that. And my roleplay partner already goes by something other than his birth name, so I have no reason to assume he wouldn't respect my decision. [[Genius.]]

I go into google, and I type, "gender nuetral names" into the search bar. (click:"gender nuetral names")[Now that's [[spicy]]!]

Hmm...(click:"Hmm...")[ No, not that one. What about this one?](click:"What about this one?")[ Nahhh, that's still pretty girly. Oh, is that?..](click:"Oh, is that?..")[ Quinn. That's a pretty [[unique]] name, don't you think? [[I like it]].]

Fun fact: I had the same thought as a ton of other queer teenagers. Quinn is a significantly more common name in the LGBT+ community, and I'm pretty sure I accidentally jacked it from an old tumblr mutual. [[Haha, whoops]]

The roleplay itself was mediocre, but that doesn't really matter. What does is that I was monitoring closely how I felt the entire time, and I came to a rather odd conclusion. (click:"odd conclusion.")[It wasn't really what you'd expect. Hearing someone refer to me by Quinn didn't make me hop up and down in joy or anything. But, it also didn't feel like I was being stabbed in the spirit dimension. That was an [[improvement]], I'd say.]

I square away our alternate appearences pretty fast, but now it's time for the names. I've always been pretty bad with them, so I usually rely on baby naming sites. This time, though, things go a bit different. For the first time I wonder to myself: "If you could have any sort of name, what would you have?" At this point the thought about disatisfaction with my own name has definitely crossed my mind, and I have this idea forming about using the roleplay as something of a [[test run]]. Then something even [[weirder]] happens.

Hmm... No, not that one. What about this one? Nahhh, that's still pretty girly. Oh, is that?.. Quinn. That's a pretty [[unique]] name, don't you think? [[I like it]].

I took a while to decide. My memory gets kinda foggy here, but I know it wasn't immediate. In fact, the rp itself had died out at least a few weeks before I finally made my decision. His reaction was something like, "well, okay". [[All according to keikaku.*]] (align:"==>")[^^*translator's note: keikaku means plan.^^]

Eventually it came to the point where he was using the name I'd grown to like over time, or at least associate with myself more than my birth name, and that became a slight problem. (click:"slight")[In that, I was leading a sort of double life where everyone but a small handful of confidants was referring to me by a name that was starting to give me the twinge every time I heard it. It was fine before because I was so used to it that it didn't register, but now that I was aware of the issue? Every time, it [[bothers you]].]

And so, I made the daring proclaimation: I'm gonna ask my teachers and other students to call me Quinn! (click:"Quinn")[...eventually. I don't actually know how the hell I got up the courage, but one day I went through every period informing the teachers of the [[change]].]

There were some good reactions. (click:"good")["Oh, really? Alright, then."] There were some bad reactions. (click:"bad")["I'm not going to call you that until you change your name legally."] There was some confusion, too. (click:"confusion")["Wait, why?"] At the end of the day, though, [[I'd done it.]]

I proceeded with other people slowly, over time. It's on my resumes and any social media I've managed to change. I've been living happily like this for at around five years, as of writing. But it's time for the next hurdle: changing it [[legally]].

It's an expensive and relatively short, but nonetheless intimidating process. (click:"intimidating")[First, the money. A lot of it. I basically have that saved up, but I need to make sure I time the rest of this right. Life gets in the way a lot, especially when you have conventions and the like happening. Also, I want a buffer just in case something comes up in the meantime.] (click:"I time")[It's also the fact that I'm going to a courthouse. Logically I know whatever judge I'll meet probably does stuff like this all the time, and upon seeing my request and my age, will probably just scoff and approve the gesture, at most with nothing more than some light ribbing. But another part of me is deathly afraid that rather than a routine event, I'll be subject to an [[interrogation]].]

Why do I want to change my name? I'm so young. My parents put so much [[effort]] into naming me. You know, my name is really [[beautiful]]. I should just keep it that way. (click:"keep it")[Having such a thing happen is highly improbable, but it still paralyzes me. The idea of being forced to explain myself to someone who likely won't even understand is so frightening. So in a way, this is just like a [[practice test]].]

It's something that's been rolling around in my head for years to explain this. Maybe for my own benefit so that others can sympathize, but also, maybe, so someone who is similarly disatisfied can find some hope in knowing there is a reason they feel the way they didn't even realize they do. So here's to hoping!

A sickening thought. I feel guilty, truly, for not being to live up to the hopes of my parents. [[...|interrogation]]

It's true, my name is beautiful. My middle and first, both long and extravagant. Like a princess. (click:"princess")[In some way, I can feel the weight of those names. The impression they give. Someone kind and soft - a fae ethreal in its beauty. My parents wanted a pretty daughter.] (click:"daughter")[I am not a fairy or royalty. I am fumbling and overlong and something stuck between too casual and uptight. I'm riding between the two lanes of panic and laziness. Never feeling home in a body that's round and soft and should be seen as cute - but unable to have half the poise to take on a graceful presense. [[I cannot be the things my name asked of me|interrogation]].]