"Are you sure you're not a lesbian?"
(click: "lesbian")[Somedays I wish that were [[true]].]I have good days. A lot of them, actually. Most days the creeping dread of my unusual existence doesn't even come to mind and I continue to exist with some semblance of peace, or at least tacit acceptance.
(click:"acceptance")[It's really easy to ignore the things in your head when you occupy yourself with music, games, or a million different videos you've seen over and over just to hear some white noise.]
(click: "white noise")[But you can't ignore these things forever. Thoughts don't fade. My memory is bad, but hilariously enough I have a pretty good recollection of my own personal [[existential crisis]].]Some context. In middle school, awareness of gay people was in slowly phasing into the public consciousness. Gay marraige hadn't been legalized, and most kids would be pretty surprised by the idea of it happening in a few short years.
(click: "years")[We were still in the time period where gay was a dirty word. Period pieces are gonna proclaim "that's so gay!" as one of the central remarks. Yet at the same time, it wasn't as much as a death sentence. Even though it was still used in slang by stupid kids, I think we were all silently wondering if being literally gay - not metaphorically - was even all that bad.]
(click: "all that bad")[You didn't know gay people, but, I dunno. They seemed fine.] (click:"They seemed fine.")[My mom said something along the lines of them being just like everyone else and I pretty much instantly internalized that. [[It sounded right to me]].]That's how it was in my mind for me. Gay people live different lives, sure, but that's fine. I was never too fussed about the details. I'm sure it'll be strange to hear for those born before or after me, or even in a different area, but that's just how I was.
(click:"how I was")[Perhaps a sign of things to come, but [[nevertheless]].]So there I was in middle school, about halfway through the end of the year. Something was eating at me. (click:"Something was eating at me.")[I was trying desperately to ignore it. No one likes to face the truth. I spent a lot of time avoiding it with an almost determined ignorance you can't help but [[feel some respect for.]]]
"It's fine, I'll feel it soon enough. I don't wanna focus on that right now."(click-replace:"It's fine, I'll feel it soon enough. I don't wanna focus on that right now.")[I don't get why everyone cares so much about it, anyway. I can just do it when I'm in college; I'm just a kid.](click-replace:"I don't get why everyone cares so much about it, anyway. I can just do it when I'm in college; I'm just a kid.")[I'm a latebloomer. That's not all that unusual. Once I'm actually interested I can just kiss guys whenever I want. 'Cause I'm straight, obviously. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, I'm just not that.](click-replace:"I'm a latebloomer. That's not all that unusual. Once I'm actually interested I can just kiss guys whenever I want. 'Cause I'm straight, obviously. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, I'm just not that.")[Jeez, it's so annoying how kids always focus on romance. I'm not dating someone just because I tug on his sleeve and he happens to be a guy! Can't a girl have a male best friend?](click-replace:"Jeez, it's so annoying how kids always focus on romance. I'm not dating someone just because I tug on his sleeve and he happens to be a guy! Can't a girl have a male best friend?")[I wonder what it's like to fall in love. People make it out to be so great, but it just kinda sounds inconvient to me. It's the best thing to happen to you, right? I wonder when.. Ugh, I can't even imagine it.](click-replace:"I wonder what it's like to fall in love. People make it out to be so great, but it just kinda sounds inconvient to me. It's the best thing to happen to you, right? I wonder when.. Ugh, I can't even imagine it.")[Oh.. oh god. It's not going to happen, is it?](click-replace:"Oh.. oh god. It's not going to happen, is it?")[What the hell have I been doing this whole time? Everyone else except for me is dating and holding hands! I kept think I would change, but it's way past the time for something like that. This is it. This is how I am.](click-replace:"What the hell have I been doing this whole time? Everyone else except for me is dating and holding hands! I kept think I would change, but it's way past the time for something like that. This is it. This is how I am.")[IT'S NOT FAIR](click-replace:"IT'S NOT FAIR")[I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BRIDE](click-replace:"I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BRIDE")[I was going to have a house, and kids! A husband! I was.. I was gonna be.. [[someone.|dam]]]
The dam burst.
Just like that, reality broke before my eyes. I felt absolutely destitute. How could I ever live like this?
(click:"like this")[Maybe it seems overdramatic to you.](click-replace:"overdramatic")[silly](click-replace:"silly")[very middle school of me](click:"very middle school of me")[ But it was the end of my existence.](click-replace:"my existence")[my straight existence, aka [[my life]]]For me, it was over. When you get raised thinking you're a certain way and that you're gonna do certain things, that's how it is. Oftentimes you don't even question it. I had no reason to believe I wouldn't be straight, because everyone was, except for gay people. And gay people were alright too, yeah? There's capacity for a life there, kissing girls and whatnot. Sounds nice.
[[But I didn't get to be either of those okay things]].Straight and gay were basically the only options presented to me as things I could be. There were bisexuals, too, but that was way more in the background at the time. And clearly I was uninterested.
(click:"uninterested")[Realizing that you are none of the options provided is a viscerally terrifying experience. Where do you even go from there? You just.. don't fall and love and get married? That's inconcievable for most people. It sounds like a [[hollow life]].]In that moment, everything changed for me. The happy future I had been promised vanished in an instant, only to be replaced by an unknowable void that was sucking me closer and closer to its event horizon.
"No romance or sex?"(click-replace:"No romance or sex?")[How can I live like this?](click-replace:"How can I live like this?")[Ah, that's it. I can't.](click-replace:"Ah, that's it. I can't.")[A future doesn't exist for [[people like me]].]Depression does things to your head. To say my assumption had any logic to it would be laughable, but logic isn't required. I had never been told it was an okay thing to be how I was - probably because no one ever had heard of such a concept, let alone that people could live happy lives that way. So I was alone, an entirely new being incapable of functioning within a romance oriented society.
(click:"I was alone")[By the time I learned that [[wasn't the case]], mental illness had taken [[its toll.]]]I learned about asexuality on tumblr, a nice meeting spot for incidentally queer youth at the time. There are many things wrong with the hell site, but it is undeniable the influence it has had on my life. I wouldn't have it any other way.
[[Okay|people like me]]A lot of people describe coming across descriptions of their identity and feeling an odd sense of relief. Like, there's a reason you're like this, and there's people out there just like you who are going through the same stuff. Isn't that exhilerating? For the first time in your life you don't feel alone in what you're going through.
[[But that is not this story.]]Instead of relief, I felt empty. (click:"empty")[Resigned, even.]
(click:"Resigned, even.")["Oh. So that's what's wrong with me."]
(click:"what's wrong with me")[And then I [[kept scrolling]].]It wasn't really that I hated being asexual. It was a fact of my existence and I knew that. But.. this is hard to put into words.
(click:"hard to put into words")[It was almost impossible for me to feel any sense of pride about it. How could I be proud of something that removed a significant part of anyones' lives from the equation?]
(click:"sense of pride")[There's so many better things to be proud of. [[At the time I just hadn't figured that part out.]]]Years later I feel the same, but I have a bit more dignity about it. My self-esteem is better and my depression doesn't make me into a machine. I have things I enjoy regularly, often just to avoid the stress of adult life.
[[But the empty future before me hasn't gone away.]]It's still impossible for me to see a future for myself as an asexual person. As I grow older, I've started to feel a pressure I haven't before.
(click:"pressure")[Young adults my age are supposed to be getting into committed relationships by now. I should be in a relationship. Should I be in a relationship? You might be wondering if I'm feeling this because I'm [[lonely|idk]], or because society is [[pressuring me|idk]] into it.][[I don't have answers for you.]]That's something I'm still grappling with. If I decided I want to be in a relationship with someone, it would be very [[complicated]].
If I don't, though.. then what? [[What kind of future can I have?]]What kind of person do I want to be in a relationship with?
Will anyone ever want to be in a relationship with me in the first place?
Am I attractive to anyone? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Will we engage in romanctic behaviors?
Will we engage in sexual behaviors?
Will I enjoy either of those things?
Am I an asshole if I start a relationship with them and I cant satisfy their needs?
What the hell are MY needs, anyway?
I've never kissed anyone. I've never been held by someone before. I'm a virgin.
What if I try any of those things and feel nothing? Will I hurt my partners' feelings by being unable to act like I enjoy it?
Am I destined to have everyone leave me because I'm fundamentally incapable of having a healthy and stable relationship?
What if I try any of those things and I DO like it? What then?
Will having sex fix me? If I fuck, can I just be normal and never have to worry about any of this again?
Why couldn't I have just been born a fucking lesbian??? At least that's some semblance of normal!
[[Oh.|I don't have answers for you.]]I've decided to keep living anyway, and let that future construct itself. Just being me and making decisions I'm sure are true to myself, I keep living day by day.
[[It's more mundane than you'd think.]]Part of me is still waiting for something to come and change my life. Until then, though, I just work quietly and try to focus on the things that make me happy, not the unhelpful dialog in my head that only stresses me the hell out.
I can't say what the future holds. But I've gotta keep living it, because the other option is to just not exist, and I won't consider that.
I've got writing to do, after all.