ゆめみてたのあたし · · ·

GIRL was a very formative song for me when I was in high school. I decided that my very first shrine (!!!) will be dedicated to it. Below are the lyrics, and past that will be further talks of my personal history with it.

GIRL A Side - Samishiikamisama

触れたら崩壊 仮想の世界
ずっと待ってた 身体甘くして

furetara houkai kasou no sekai
nandomo tsukurinaoshite
zutto matteta karada amakushite
tsuki no uragawa kara

This imaginary world collapses when I touch it
No matter how many times I build it up again
Waiting so long has helped me adapt
To the dark side of the moon


samishii kamisama
atashi no koto itten no
samishiku nanka nai
samishii to ka kangaenai

A lonely God
Far from significant
Loneliness isn't simple
I don't even think about it

ねえ きみの生まれた世界は
甘い 辛い しょっぱい 苦い
それとも 酸っぱいの?
影 嘘くさいな

nee kimi no umareta sekai wa
kimi no sugoshiteru aji wa
amai karai shoppai nigai
soretomo suppai no?
dore kurai no aijou o
kono sekai ni muketen’no?
kage usokusai na
kamenbudoukai mitai

Say, the world you were born in
What did it taste like?
Sweet? Spicy? Salty? Bitter?
Or maybe sour?
How far away
Is love in this world?
The ominous silhouettes
Resemble a masquerade ball

ぐるぐるぐるぐる まわる
甘い 淡い 痛い 溢れる

guruguruguruguru mawaru
sugusugusugusugu haichau
bokkari aita ana kara
amai awai itai afureru

Round, and round, and round, revolving
Quickly, quickly, quickly spilling out
From the gaping hole freshly opened
Sweet, faint, pain, overflowing

触れたら崩壊 仮想の世界
ずっと待ってた 身体甘くして

furetara houkai kasou no sekai
nandomo tsukurinaoshite
zutto matteta karada amakushite
tsuki no uragawa kara

This imaginary world collapses when I touch it
No matter how many times I build it up again
Waiting so long has helped me adapt
To the dark side of the moon

触れたら崩壊 妄想の果て
何か感じて 本当のアタシを

furetara houkai mousou no hate
nandomo tsukurinaoshite
hora mite furete
nanka kanjite hontou no atashi o

This imaginary world collapses when I touch it
No matter how many times I build it up again
Hey, look, I can feel it
Is this really my true self?

触れたら崩壊 妄想の果て

furetara houkai mousou no hate
nandomo tsukurinaoshite
fureta totan ni kuzuretekieru
atashi no naka no atashi

This imaginary world collapses when I touch it
No matter how many times I build it up again
As soon as I touch it
It collapses and disappears within me

I 愛 I 愛 I 愛 しりたい
I 愛 I 愛 I 愛 あいして
I 愛 I 愛 I 愛 アイがなくちゃ

I ai I ai I ai shiritai
I ai I ai I ai aishite
I ai I ai I ai ai ga nakucha
kono sekai wa hametsu yo

(I love, I love, I love) I want to understand
(I love, I love, I love) I love you
(I love, I love, I love) Without love
This is a world of ruin

GIRL B Side - Yumemitetano Atashi


yume miteta no atashi

I realized I was dreaming

唯一 絶対的な存在

ten to chi choudo mannaka
fuyuusuru yuru ga nai atashi
daremo ga urayamunda
yuuhitsu zettaiteki na sonzai

Right in between heaven and earth
I'm there floating quietly
Envying everyone
I'm the only one that exists...

はじめまして ありふれていて
当たり前でないふれあいを 知りたいの 求めているから
対等の 価値ある何かを ありったけ あたしにだけ
運命 奇跡 導きがあって あたしに会えたあなたは幸せ

konnichi wa
konban wa
hajimemashite arifureteite
atari mae de nai fureai o shiritai no motometeiru kara
taitou no kachi aru nanka o arittake atashi ni dake
unmei kiseki michibiki ga atte atashi ni aeta anata wa shiawase

Good afternoon
Good evening
Good morning
Nice to meet you, a common place
I want you to greet me different than the others
That you give me everything that you have, only to me
Fate, miracle, divine guidance... Being able to meet me brought you happiness


tarinai mono shika nai
tarinai mono shika mienai
atashi igai no subete
kirameite mieru no nande?

There is nothing that suffices
I can't see anything that's enough
With the exception of myself
Why does everything glow?

楽しいな 楽しいよね
嬉しいな 嬉しいよね
あなたもそうならみんな同じ 話しましょう
ワクワクするね ドキドキするね
今が一番 幸せ
みんな と出会えて良かった
あたし ひとりじゃないんだ

tanoshii na tanoshii yo ne
ureshii na ureshii yo ne
anata mo sounara minna onaji hanashimashou
nani kara hanasou
wakuwaku suru ne dokidoki suru ne
ima ga ichiban shiawase
minna to deaete yokatta
atashi hitori ja nainda

Is it fun? It's fun!
Are you happy? I'm happy!
You are like that, just like everyone. Let's talk
What should we talk about?
You're nervous huh? You're excited huh?
Right now I'm the happiest...
I'm glad we all met
I'm not alone

あたしもみんなと同じ きらめいてみえるはず

mitasareta ganbou
kore ga motometeta kimochi
atashi mo minna to onaji kirameite mieru hazu

The wish I could fulfill...
This is how it feels to have wished
I'm just like everyone too... I should see the glow too now...


kanatta hazu no yume da
kore ga motometeta ibasho?
mada atashi igai ga subete
kirameite mieru no
kanatta hazu no yume da

My wish came true in a dream
Is this where wishes are?
I still see the glow
In everything else
My wish came true, in a dream…


tarinai mono shika nai
tarinai mono shika mienai
atashi igai no subete
kirameite mieru riyuu

There is nothing that suffices
I can't see anything that's enough
Everything that is not me
Glows for a reason


suki, suki, suki, daisuki.

Love, love, love, I love you


nai mono nedari na atashi
itsu kara kowarete itandaro
yume miteta no atashi
yume demo mirete ureshikatta

I beg for what I don't have
For the things that have been broken for who knows how long
I realized I was dreaming
But being able to see it in a dream made me glad

My Thoughts

In 2014, a music video was released for an animation expo. It quickly blew up online for being very catchy, beautiful and most of all adult. There was at least a little scandal about it at the time, the kind that drew more people to watch and see what the fuss was all about. I watched it at the time and was sufficiently unimpressed. I understood the story and appreciated the artistic value of a piece so clearly depicting the troubles of sexuality, but the gartuitousness of it put me off. Simply put, it wasn't really 'for' me, especially since I was an asexual teen still struggling to accept my own experiences in the world. That was 2014. In 2015, another short by the same producer and musician released. It would end up meaning far more to me.

I feel as though beginning with a preamble about ME!ME!ME! is absolutely necessary. While not the focus of this shrine, the two are inextricably tied as works of art, sharing both the same creators and, occasionally, characters. ME!ME!ME! is a work focusing on the negative effects of porn addiction on oneself and your relationships. This is a problem everywhere, but Japan's flavor is insidious in its own way and portrayed really well by the work. The cycle restarts at the end of the video as the main character grapples and fails over and over to repair his relationship with his ex girlfriend while being tempted by perfect, but illusory, idols who offer him nothing more than the idea of sexual satisfaction and a perfect relationship and leave him bereft of time, money and connection with human beings.. which only makes him more vulnerable and unable to escape.

(Granted, I tend to find porn addiction to be an imperfect term, like video game addiction. It stigmatizes hobbies or desires that can be carried out quite normally most of the time. I'd also say addiction tends to have a physical dependancy aspect to it, but gambling addiction is largely an emotional attachment, so I guess it's correct in that sense? Regardless, there are definitely aspects of the porn and games industry that are problematic and intentionally try to cause depedence on them. I just worry about how people seem to prescribe having a different/slightly more involved relationship with something they don't care for as much as an addiction. Ah, cultural puritanism!!)

In a similar vein, GIRL is about another uniquely Japanese problem: Compensated dating. While I understand this is the widely accepted interpretation if the artist's intent - a girl grappling with relationships and her sexuality while being sexually exploited - that's not really what resonated about GIRL for me. So I'm not gonna speak about that symbolism so much. Instead, I wanna ramble about how it came to me during a time I was struggling with my own sexuality, the isolation I felt, and the simultaneous disgust and longing I had towards people I perceived as 'normal'.

I was 14 when I realized I was asexual after seeing the term on tumblr. I had known something was wrong only half a year before when I realized everyone was already dating and thinking about sex in middle school, while I remained entirely uninterested and incapable. I did not feel joy at this revelation. Instead I felt as if I had simply put a name to what was wrong with me and moved on with my life. It took time for me to also admit to myself I was aro, but that's part of another saga I'll probably ramble about elsewhere. I had a lot of trouble coming to terms with myself in relation to society because of all this. There's this weird cultural impulse to say sex and romance are the best thing ever and everyone needs and wants them. But also, if you do it the wrong way or the wrong time it's excessive, sinful, etc. That definitely built itself into the weird complex I had about being aro ace as a kid. GIRL gave me an outlet for that angst that I sorely needed.

GIRL especially caught my attention because the main character 'looked' like me in an idealized sense. I hadn't transitioned and had no plans to at the time, so my sense of self fit very neatly within the ideals of a cute but stoically sad anime girl. I had long hair and pretty eyelashes like her. The pastels were incredible. Even understanding she's obviously a constructed character, I think all of that made it easier to project, especially when she has very relateable struggles for most young adults around that age. My icon was her face for in most places for years as a result!

GIRL also taught me the very important lesson that art can, and sometimes should, be adult, and that 'gratuitousness' can itself be a method of art. I don't think the main character needs to be in lingerie for the second portion of video, but it serves as a contrast to how she sees herself as a school girl in her dreams and feels sexualized in reality. This feels a bit silly to type because duh, not all art can or should be PG. But that was also something I had to unlearn to come to terms with myself. Sex isn't as gross as much as other sensitive topics can be, and covering them is of vital importance. They can leave a big impact! I don't think that lesson sunk in for me about myself as much, but it was a big step in the right direction to just.. stop being afraid of thinking about that kind of thing surrounding myself.

I think that's.. most of what I had in mind for my thoughts/history with the piece? Now comes the fun part!

My Interpretation

My personal interpretation is different from the (likely) intent of the author because it focuses what I felt about the piece.